Alzheimer's Lament
It was over a century ago that I first fell in love with you
At least I thought it was love now I can’t be to sure
Perhaps I’ve been in a coma dreaming of the last face I saw
The once warm and blissful memories fade into nitrogen gas darkness
How did I get here
How long has it truly been
My reality is turned upside down
Are these memories or fantasies of wishful thinking
Do I dream with eyes wide open through a rose tint filter
I used to pray back then that I could live long enough to share a life with you
Write chapters of our story as you sipped your tea reading a book
I saw us there in the future destiny gave me a postcard picture to hold onto
Now I shake my head in disbelief
This can’t be you
This can’t be us
Cobb webbed memories
Dust settled dreams
Where did the warmth of love disappear
It has been a decade since I can recall that feeling
My hair has begun to turn white while I sit here waiting
Waiting to wake up from this nightmare
Waiting to return to the paradise within your arms
A time when I felt adored
When leaving each other for even 5 minutes felt like 5 years
I’m tormented by our past
Angry, lost, and bitter as I sit here this is certainly no present
Can there even be a future
Is it still there waiting patiently in the waiting room
What does our chart say about our recovery
Do the odds favor a new beginning
Will I continue to wear this grief eternally
The black widows poison courses through my veins
Like a live wire of electricity
Lashing in the street it sparks threats towards my heart
That it be crueler to await my dark fate
Hope turns the corner
Happiness trails close behind
I am entangled in this dreary state of wonderment
Cocooning myself in misery
I tell myself that I will arise a new
Deep within I feel this is my tomb
My mummified love for you
It may have died long ago
I just keep lamenting
Praying it isn’t so
Arms thrown over the casket
Unwilling to let Hades have his prize
Alzheimer’s keeps me living a love that would never die
You would think
that all hospital rooms
would be the same
I’ve been in my
fair share to tell you
no two are alike
While the instruments
click, clank, beep, and bop
a familiar tune
Each of the mechanisms
throughout time are
all quite different nowadays
Squeezing the blub of an
arm cuff is now grumblings
of traveling air compressed
The once clever remote control
to operate bed comfort
is directly built into my bed
Even the bleeps
of my vital signs monitor
sings a different tune
Heated blankets that would
wrap me in warmth,
safety and peace of mind gone
Replaced by invisible,
intangible warm currents
beneath a thin sheet
Muted colors splashed
on the walls and halls with
blank stares are all that still remains
Along with the memories
of every surgeon asking me
to recite my abc’s or 123’s
Pondering if
I would wake
after surgery
I Made a Necklace for my Mom
Mom taught me so many things as a little girl
How to make a friendship bracelet
Different ways to tie my shoes
I learned how to braid my own hair
Indian braids on either side or a French braid to look fancy
There are so many memories of mom with strings
Embroidered canvas of carefully placed stiches
Cross stich I picked up quickly but never really learned how to sow
A needle and thread were all she needed to craft the world around me
I had stiches long before she taught me any of it though
Childhood stiches made surgically
From behind the top of my left ear
A scalpel traced the initial C into my flesh
Stopping just beneath my chin
One more small incision – a tracheotomy, a tube to breathe
The scarred remnants greet me in every mirror
Mother taught me how beautiful stiches could be
That a needle and thread can do so much to give life meaning
So, I began braiding, and stitching, and twisting, splicing
How proud my mom would be;
I made a necklace to place around my neck
To finish the stiches that were incomplete
There are memories
I pull out from my vanity mirror
Episodes of re-ruins play
inside a music box near by
I can see my faceless value
on times treasure map
The sandman keeps me company
as we swim the shores in youthful dreams
It happens so quickly –
life between the dash
Somehow, I had forgotten
to thank my lungs for breathing
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